Dont Tap on the Aquarium

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The subject of this article is so blatantly obvious, I shouldn’t even have to waste pixels and bandwidth writing about it. And yet, every freakin’ day I see players violate this very simple concept to the detriment of their bankrolls. And every freakin’ day when I see them do it, we say: “What the hell are they thinking!?”

A few years ago, noted poker pro, Tiltboys founder, and Celebrity Poker co-host Phil Gordon coined the now-famous phrase “Don’t tap on the aquarium!” The secondary, and lesser-known, part of the quote goes: “You’ll scare the fish!” This nifty little analogy quite simply and elegantly states that, if you plan to be a smart, winning poker player, the bulk of your profits will come at the expense of dumb, losing poker players (a.k.a. “fish”). “Tapping on the aquarium”, as explained below, will scare the “fish”, either by making them leave the table, or by helping them to play better and thereby be not-so-fishy anymore.

At a poker table, there are basically two types of Aquarium Tappers, and once I’ve described them, you’ll recognize them immediately. Hell, maybe you even are one of them; if you see yourself in either of these descriptions, STOP IT RIGHT NOW, dammit!

Without further ado, in the immortal words of Jim Lang: Heeeeere theeeey aaarrrre! (if you’re not old enough to remember the Dating Game…ummm…nevermind.)

Aquarium Tapper Number One: The Berater

We all know these guys. They’re the players, usually on tilt (but not always), who chastise weaker players after they make their normal weak plays. They’re the ones who, after having some fish hit a two-outer to beat them on the river, call the weak player every foul name they can think of. And sometimes they’re the guys who push a weak/tight player off of a pot, then proceed to show a bluff and call the fish a wimp, either to his face or in the online chat box. In short, they just can’t help pointing out to the fish that they’re fish. But see the irony here? By exhibiting this asinine need to be seen as superior players, they have become fish themselves. What they hope to gain by this rude and boorish behaviour is anybody’s guess; it certainly ain’t gonna be money. They’re either gonna make the fish play better, or make him leave the table. What makes me angry, what really frosts my doughnuts, is that either of these results costs me money, too, dammit!

Aquarium Tapper Number Two: The Educator

It’s really hard to get angry with The Educator, because, unlike The Berater, he doesn’t even have the foggiest notion that he’s tapping on the aquarium. But Educators cost me money just the same, even if in not quite so nasty a fashion. Here’s how The Educator operates: He’s just won a pot by calling a raise from the big blind in an 8-way pot with 4-5 suited, flopping an open-ended straight draw, but winning the hand with a rivered two pair. A weak player comments on how lucky he was to win the pot. Rather than giving the proper response (“Yeah, I sure was lucky, but 4-5 suited is my lucky hand; I had to play it!”), The Educator proceeds to…well…educate the fish: “Well, I was already in for the big blind, and I was getting fifteen to one on my call; my hand isn’t that much of a dog to any hand, so it was an easy call. Then, I not only flopped a pair, but I also had the straight draw, and the pot odds made the rest of the hand easy to play. Only an idiot would have folded.” Congratulations, sir, you just told the fish that there are many more things to consider than just the two cards you’re dealt. He’ll certainly be more alert in the future. While The Educator was only politely answering another player, he was also Tapping On The Aquarium, in a manner just as disastrous (albeit more subtle) as The Berater.

What Can You Do?

A couple of things, actually. If you’re one of the above two types of players, just stop it. Right now. I mean it. Really, I do. If you’re at the table when The Berater starts his diatribe, I find that the best method to deter him, without embarrassing the fish, is to ask this simple question: “What is it you’d like him (the fish) to do? Play better? Leave the table? What?” The Berater will usually get the message and stop; if not, well, at least you tried. As for The Educator, well, that’s a little trickier. In a brick-and-mortar game, gently showing the guy the error of his ways away from the table can work; in an online game, I’m still searching for the best way to handle him. Your suggestions are welcome, as always.

In summary: Stop tapping. Start winning.

By Mike McManus (aka North Shore Mike) a poker player, and customer support manager for online card room Full Tilt Poker.com.

Don’t Tap On The Aquarium